Alfred E. Neuman, Jackass, and Teenagers Today

While sitting in the 45th (i.e. last) row on a flight from Atlanta to Salt Lake City today, I had the distinct "pleasure" of sitting by a 12ish-year old kid and his dad. I took the window seat, the kid sat next to me, and dad manned the aisle. Except for the kid's striking resemblance to Alfred E. Neuman of MAD Magazine fame (see below), there really wasn't anything all that remarkable or interesting about the kid. I figured I was in for a routine flight. I was wrong....


Upon reaching the altitude at which the powers-that-be have deemed sufficient for us to use our "portable electronic devices", the kid (let's just go ahead and call him Alfred from now on) whips out a portable DVD player from his bag. He dons a pair of headphones and dad does the same. Alfred fires up the DVD player and they both plug in their headphones for what will surely be a touching father and son moment of sharing a film together.

So, the movie starts up. It's Jackass 2: The Unrated Edition. Are you kidding me? Is Alfred stupid enough to think that dad will enjoy such a film? What is dad going to do about this? Apparently not much. They both eagerly watch the first 45 minutes of the film. During this time I discover that Alfred laughs like a girl.

Not like your normal, sane, average, run-of-the-mill girl... No Alfred has the kind of laugh that must be something like the sound a squirrel makes if you were to step on it with a pair of combat boots. The music blaring through my headphones from my iPod can only drown out a portion of this hideous sound.

My dad (and most dads that I know) wouldn't put up with this viewing of Jackass 2 and the accompanying high-pitched laugh-from-hell, but this particular dad seemed fine with it all. Dad at least had the decency to nudge Alfred and insist that they fast-forward through the most raunchy parts of the film. I do my best to slink away into my own little world and try to get some work done on the laptop. Unfortunately, about 15 minutes later things take a turn for the worse.

While happily working away and minding my own business, I decide to glance at Alfred, dad, and Jackass. Big mistake. I had to choose a particular scene of the movie that greets me with full-frontal male nudity! I can only imagine the look or horror and disgust on my face upon seeing this sight. I think dad must have seen my reaction because he slammed the DVD player closed. Thanks dad! Thanks for being a parent! Only took you 60 minutes and the image of a penis seared into my mind forever! And we wonder why kids today turn out so freakin' screwed-up.